I was only 12 when I realized that somehow I’m different from my classmates, my friends. 2 years later in high-school I finally figured out that I’m a gay.
I think I don’t need to explain how it felt. (I’m sick, alone, if my parents find out they will hate me, I wanted to die)
After 2 weeks of thinking and struggling with myself I finally spitted out this: I’m gay, so what? I’m the same person and if my parents, friends, relatives love me, they going to love me anyway.
But then something I never wished for me: depression. Alone, feared who I am, or what I am. My grades dropped, I started to play the wags. My teachers started to worry, they thought I started to use drugs, or became a member of a sect or both. One day my Italian teacher saw me crying, and asked me what happened. My answer was: I’m gay. Her first sentence was: dear god. Let’s talk with the headmaster. And we did. They heard me out. The headmaster told me that if someone bullies me than I must call him. My Italian teacher helped me to get in an LGBTI youth group in the city of Gyula. And she looked after me. It was our secret. Although they tried their best, the depression swallowed me. (I was 14 in the time.)
And the day came, my headmaster called my mom. I thought they are going to expel me and tell everything to my mom but they didn’t. They only told my mom that something wrong with me, and I need help, so take me to a psychologist. First I had no intention to go there, usual stuff: I’m not crazy. I’ve got an ultimatum from my mother: psychologist or leave the school, psychologist.
I wouldn’t like to write down my medical history. Let’s say she helped me a lot. I felt that an unknown woman accept me the way I am, no prejudice no hate, and it got better.
Meanwhile in the school my grades got better. Although most of my class/schoolmates thought I’m crazy.
One night 4 friends of mine came in to my room in the dorm, and asked me to go to their room because they want to talk with me. I had no choice but to go, because they told me if I won’t go then they will take me.
Then they told me that they realized that something wrong with me, something troubles me, and they want to help, so it’s time for me to tell what the hell going on.
I was a bit surprised, and well, not so sure about that it’s time for even a little coming out. But I trusted them so here we go guys: I’m gay. Deadly silence. Then they told me: we support you and if something wrong you must tell us and we will help. Then the questions. The usual stuff: when? how? why? who? where? and I did my best, although I was sure about that I’m attracted to boys.
Next day, one of these trusted friends, told to his girlfriend the whole story, in circa two hours the whole school knew everything, including all students, all teachers.
Shock struck me. I was terrified. Oh yeah, just like I saw in Hollywood and in the news, terrorizing, bullying, beating the gay one.
Then something happened. I mean NOTHING. Except some hurtful words (for the first time – but it was the time when I came up with my I don’t care policy)
The teachers, older students in the dorm and the school told me they support me, they protect me and if someone does something they will be there.
Well done, everyone knew except my family. And the situation remained the same until I got 16.
After 2 months of the school coming out don I felt in love for the first time in my life. He (Zsolt – pronounce like j from joule and olt from volt) was 16 I was barely 14. When a volcano erupts, all emotions, not alone anymore, I’m not the only gay on this Earth. Was a fast burning relationship, with a serious problem. One day I found out that he is a drug addict. Well, I never was in touch with drugs or addicts, I was 14 what should I do. I tried to talk with him, to stop it because it’s wrong, I got promises, but nothing changed. I tried to take him to drug ambulance, but he didn’t come. Then, we broke up, together again, broke up, together… never ending story. In the next school year I was exhausted and fed up, so I brought it to the end: you chose drugs over me. So it’s over. He called me, messaged me tried to get in touch with me, but I ignored him.
It was the 24 October 2000. At night in the dorm I was talking with new friends, then suddenly my phone rang. His mother on the phone: Zsolt killed himself. Blackout.
I felt guilty, I was angry, desperate I didn’t know how to deal with it, I got depressed again, and I wanted to go after him, to be with him to say I’m sorry, I love you. I had no power to go to his funeral. I told only one person, -let’s call him S-Who became my only help, the only man I trusted. He and his strong soul and heart helped me in the hard times, because after this loss came 3 death in my family. And I got deeper and deeper, he was the one who held my hand, he was the one who heard me cry, he was my straight love, who knew it, but still he held my hand. A true friend. Now, after all these years I can tell you, I wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t there with me. And an encoded message: I love you, and I never forget what you did for me.
Love: covert affairs
Well, of course the dorm brought some surprises during the 4 years, the ‘doorbell’ rang several times. Was easy to find me because I was out. But nothing serious, some love, some sex. That’s all. Otherwise, outside the school I got in touch with the local gay community and as a 15-16-17 years old I learnt both the good and the best sides of being gay. No long term relations, just sex, which was weird (still weird), because I always dreamed about wedding everlasting love with only one person. (Still have this dream) But beside this bittersweet experience I wasn’t alone anymore, and if some ‘gayish’ question came up I had people to turn to.
“I hate the way you are”
Of course there were people, friends even family members who turned their back, after they understood I’m gay but no bullying just gossips, and disappointment. I was disappointed that when someone heard the word gay, they left me, without knowing me. But I didn’t care.
As a teenager I opened my wings and got in trouble several times in school, because I played the wags, to hang out with friends from the school and because of ‘love’ (at least I thought it was love).
One day my form master was fed up with the thing and called my mother. In the meantime we made a plan with my psychologist, the project was called: How to tell your parents that you are gay. (Needed 3 years to be ready, if I can say there’s any way to get ready for a confession like this).
So back to may form master: My mother came to the school, and they sat down to talk. And my dear teacher told my mother that I’m gay. Didn’t know it until we got in the car and headed home. (It was friday-never forget that day) After some miles my mother turned to me and asked about a sweater which was on me (wasn’t mine it was S’). And asked me whose sweater is this. I told her, it belongs to a friend. And why are you wearing this, haven’t you got enough? I do but I didn’t brought with me (lie, this was the point when I felt that something definitely wrong) She asked again: I answered again with the same. Then she asked me: Is there anything that you would like to tell me? A little silence from my side. Question again. I don’t know how exactly I was able to say anything but I spitted out this: What if I tell you that I’m gay? Answer: Well, then you are gay. Deadly silence for at least 30 minutes. Then my mother turned to me and said: But you know that doctors can help?
My answer was simple and short: I don’t need help. I am who I am and I wouldn’t like to be someone else. Silence. (But I saw the tears in her eyes)
After we got home, some talks later my mom and dad told me this: It doesn’t matter who you are, we are your parents and our job is to love you. Conversation over.
For years we didn’t talk about it, it was my life; they didn’t ask I didn’t tell anything. But some years later the ice was broken. And I could talk about my love, my private life with both of my parents.
Nowadays, my mother more than a caring mother: my friend, we can talk about anything, we share everything with each other. To be honest, I was the fool that I didn’t tell it earlier or broke the ice after they knew who I am, because I was the one who didn’t trust them, and it turned out my parents are the best (for me)..
If I could turn back time; I would change this.
Now, I’m 26 and gay. I have a caring mother (Maria) another “adopted” mother (Ilona), a sister (Judit), a brother (Laszlo) and trusted, real friends.
I’m Proud of my family, (blood doesn’t matter). Proud of my friends, who helped and help a lot. Proud of myself (not always) and Proud of my life, because I have the most important thing in this world: love. Other stuff? I don’t care.
To my family and my friends.