I was diagnosed with type 1 bipolar disorder (ultrafine) in 2007. But it started in 1998, I was barely 14 then. I decided to write about this mental illness because lots of us are stigmatized, even by themselves: they think they are insane, denying taking the medications because they are not crazy. Or in some cases “friends” and religion makes them to leave the drugs and the psychiatric care; And what happens then? Let’s see.
In 2003 I studied marketing then I started to play the wags. Spent $3330 to nothing (literally). Family drama, fights with my parents.
In 2004 I studied protocol in another school, and graduated from protocol. No spending, no skulk. But I lived in an alternate world created by my mind: I was rich, I had relations everywhere, I was god who can do, say whatever he wants to.
Later, in 2005 I tried marketing in another school. I fell in love with a guy. It was a weird relationship; I can say that it was one-sided. Or almost one-sided. I still played the almighty god and rich prince. We had lots of fights, I got mentally unstable. Once he told me: ‘I think you are bipolar’ I told him this is nuts. And I didn’t care. But deep inside I knew something was wrong with me. I denied it.
In 2006 my condition got more serious. I had problems in the school, some kind of psychiatric meltdown. My friends took me to the hospital. Clinical depression. I needed to leave the school because my condition made me unable to continue/finish my studies.
During the years I had several suicide attempts, all of them failed thanks to my friends. The last one was in 2007, I took 100 clonazepam. Hospital, psychiatrist. She looked into my papers, we talked, and then she asked me: Aren’t you bipolar, Norbert? We changed my medication, and actually I got better.
But it’s not the story with happy ending. Since then I’m on drugs but my condition getting worse and worse. Suicide and killing thoughts, panic, anger, changing mood – several times in a day, voices. No friends, no actual life/love. Emptiness.
Though I’m taking my medication this is what we could achieve in 7 years. But it’s better than nothing. I could end up on the police, roaming on the streets or end up in a mental institution and so on.
Bipolar disorder and schizophrenia is not a game but a serious condition which needs to be under control if you wouldn’t like to end up being totally mad and messed up. Now I’m 26. I’m bipolar and schizophrenic but not insane. I still have problems like insomnia, or sleeping more than 12 hours a day, manic, hypomanic, depressed phases, sometimes voices, sometimes suicidal or worse thoughts, anger management and behavior problems, sometimes alone, want to be alone, sometimes I feel myself unnecessary, hallucinations etc.
But I’m better then I was without my psychiatrist and meds. I know it’s a never-ending story, it’s tough but you need and can live together with these symptoms. I can’t say that you will be cured, because by recent knowledge it’s impossible. But I can say that you can get better, you can make those thoughts to remain just thoughts.
You can live some kind of life, depends on the type of your BP. There are tough times, but you need to know: you’re not alone and you need to live, because you are as precious as anyone else on this planet. Even with a mental disorder.
